Biggest Fears of 2019: Law & Gospel

For the last few days, I have been overwhelmed, cowering in fear as I try to lift my head and look ahead into the new year. To say “I'm so hopeful and excited!" at this point would be a big fat lie. So here is the truth, about where I'm really at. Here are the first thirty things off the top of my head that spilled onto the keys as I began to cry and confess these things to God… and I guess now to you:

If I were honest: In 2019, I AM AFRAID...

That I will try and fail.
That my life will be insignificant and not matter, nor make an impact.
That my efforts are in vain and don't lead anywhere.
I will die in the desert and never make it to the Promised Land.
I will not make it to the finish line—in goals, dreams, projects, etc.
That life just feels like suffering and sadness.
I will never learn how to enjoy and celebrate goodness, and I will miss it.
I will never find my artist and do her justice.
I won't ever be satisfied with the things I attempt to create.
That my art will always feel not good enough, sub-par.
I won't learn how to be proud of what I make.
I won't be free from fear and insecurity, which continually steals the joy out of creating.
I won't be able to stop comparing: myself to people, wishing was in another place, what I have to other things.
To miss "my prime."
That I will waste my life and my best years.
That my pursuit of art/creative/wanting to influence and shape culture will drain my marriage and family of resources.
That everything ministry and the arts at cost won't be worth it.
I will regret not taking a normal and traditional path.
That shame will never let me go and will govern me, despite my best efforts to break free and live differently.
That I will never be the best version of myself everybody seems to talk about.
That God is f****** with me and is somewhere secretly laughing.
That Jesus will get sick of my crap and just ignore me.
I will never function without spiritual amnesia—doubt and unbelief will hound me until I die.
God isn't who he says He is. Maybe I have just misunderstood Him and the Scriptures this whole time OR my fears/accusations/unbelief will put Him off and mercy will be removed from me.
That I've just been wrong about everything. EVERYTHING.
Of pain, and I’m angry that I can't stop it from coming to me.
Of loving a God I can't see and people who will sin against me.
I can't measure up to what I aspire to to become and what inspires me. Everything I am, hope for, and produce never seems like it hits the mark.
Of what my life will look like, because I'm ultimately not in control.

The GOSPEL’s Response:

Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.
Jesus died for this and He won't let me go.

I'm not sure why you follow me, my music, or this page. I'm a very messy human and I have nothing to give to the world or anyone apart from that which Christ has given to me. If you’re looking for anything else, I will surely disappoint and fail you.

I am beyond humbled and grateful for you and your friendship and support. Especially those of you who remain followers after this post.